I think I was aware of Gary Johnson. I knew he was involved in the US Presidential Death Race in some capacity, perhaps as one of those ordinary workaday guys the candidates drag out in chains to say “Well heh yeah I guess this guy ain’t so bad after all I tell ya hwat” while itching at the fleabites under his plaid shirt collar.

“Now this guy is the guy I wanna bring out and he’s a mechanic ladies and gentlemen America used to have the best mechanics but now we don’t have the best mechanics and lemme tell ya we will make American Mechanics Great Again anyway here’s Gary so Gary tell ’em why you…” and so on.

Later in the night a dishevelled-looking Megadeth will take to the stage to play their…uhh…seminal…1980-something hit, The Mechanix. This will move the Doomsday Clock even closer to midnight.

Anyway no it turns out Gary Johnson is a candidate. A Libertarian candidate. Does this mean he has sex with a bag of flour with an Ayn Rand print-out hurriedly stapled to the front, flour spilling from the puncture holes over his neatly-pressed  black slacks as he weeps and gnashes and wails his way to a disappointing climax? Probably.

Well, whatever he does in his spare time is obviously ripping his brain to pieces because just watch this absolute moment of insanity. Misjudged joke? A sense of humour more curious than Jeffrey Dahmer? A simple moron? We may never know.

Good luck, America.

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